Friday, July 13, 2012

To build a pyramid

This was written by me as a freshman undergrad at Case Western Reserve University in 2006 for PHYS 123, Physics I Honors. It is reprinted in full, original form, with no attempt made to make the conclusion more realistic. Some of my assumptions were silly and made the problem trivial, but these were never graded for strict accuracy. 



The Great Pyramid was the tallest structure in the world from about 2570 BC to AD 1300 (when it was surpassed by the Lincoln Cathedral in England).  Its specifications are given below:

Length of one side of base (base is square) = 230.4 m
Height (original, estimated) = 146.6 m
Number of stones = 2.4 million
Total mass = 5.9 million tonnes
Average density = 2300 kg/m3

Egyptologists, from the Ancient Greeks who subjugated the old empire of the Pharaohs, to the British archaeologists who had such an interest in the Egyptian colony, to the present day scholars, have consistently marveled at the investment of labor and planning that must have gone into producing such a marvelous creation more than four and a half millennia past. 

How much work did it REALLY take to build the pyramid?  How many workers were involved?  What was the power of the labor machine that created it?  To put things in perspective, how much would this building cost today?
for Wx is the work involved in transporting the blocks horizontally across the desert, and Wy is the work involved in getting the bricks to their locations in height on the pyramid.

where the force is in opposition to dragging the blocks from their quarry (friction) and the displacement is how far from the pyramid building site the blocks must be dragged (the stones came from various far-away source; the average distance is probably around 500 miles).  The Egyptians had no means of locomotion for these stones except ropes and muscle.  Let us say that the force of friction was approximately equal to the normal force, due to the incredibly high friction generated by rocks on sand without lubrication.  Set F equal to the force of gravity and solve for Wx.

Wx = (2.6 million tonnes)*(9.81 m/s2)*(500 miles)
Wx = 2.1E+16 J

The pyramid has an angle with the normal provided by:
Take the average height of a block (we may be getting into rough territory here) to be 2.0m.  By the total height of the pyramid, we make the deduction that the pyramid is 73 layers high, and that for every layer the angle still holds true (that is to say, the slant height of the pyramid is a straight line).  The height and area of each level depends upon which numerical level it is, so our result is going to be a sum of works required for each level; work will be the volume of the layer multiplied by the density of the pyramid times the gravitational acceleration times the height.  To simplify that expression:
where h is the height at point n, d is one side of the base of the level at point n, ρ is the density of the rock, and g is the gravitational acceleration.  When values are given appropriately:
The sum of the two energies yields:
This amount of energy is approximately equal to what is released from a 5 megaton bomb.  If you wanted to fund a labor force of this size, consider that Egyptologists project that 30,000 workers on average were needed for 20 years, provided that they worked 10 hours a day every day.  If you think you can pay average wages of 10 dollars per day without mutiny, then you too can have your own pyramid for a mere 2.2 billion dollars.







Physical analysis of Planet of the Apes

This was written by me as a freshman undergrad at Case Western Reserve University in 2006 for PHYS 123, Physics I Honors. It is reprinted in full, original form, with no attempt made to make the conclusion more realistic. Some of my assumptions were silly and made the problem trivial, but these were never graded for strict accuracy. 


In the context of the book The Planet of the Apes by Pierre Boulle (also a big-budget 1968 movie by Franklin J. Schaffner and starring Charlton Heston, and a more recent film), we see an early popular understanding of time dilation serve as a major plot device.  The relativity of time was used as a convenient method for allowing travel to a distant star system.  It was imagined in 1963, amidst frenzied advancement in astronomy, and so placed its opening timeframe perhaps only a few decades into the future.

Professor Antelle, a genius scientist, has invented a special spacecraft that is able to move at such a high velocity (via unknown propulsion) that time itself is slowed significantly for the pilot.  This obviates the problem of impossibly low interstellar speed, and allows a huge amount of space to be traversed in even “less” time (from the pilot’s point of view) due to time dilation.  Ulysses, the main character, is part of the expedition, along with the professor, and Levain, a physician. 
Time dilation versus velocity
They intend to use this spaceship to travel to the nearest place they believe that extraterrestrial life may exist- a star system whereof the supergiant Betelgeuse is the local sun.  The time it would take their ship to reach there is 350 years, but for the individuals inside, the time will feel like a mere two years.  What velocity does this entail?  Rearranging the above equation for known values:
In order for time dilation to be that potent, one must get very close to the speed of light.  As we can see, earthly technology brings us nowhere close to even this velocity which would only shrink time by a factor of 175.  In order to reach space millions or billions of light-years away, the only possibility is to get even closer to the speed of light.
The practical difficulty is not so much in what a person would do for years on a spaceship (although this is a bit mind-boggling) but the quantity of energy it would take to transport anything at speeds close to that of light.  The kinetic energy of an object traveling at the speed of light is phenomenal.  The craft described in the book is not miniscule, either.  Let us say, for example, that using miraculous miniaturization technologies that the spacecraft can be able to carry its engines, three passengers, and enough supplies for two years forward, two years back- in a mass no greater than that of the Space Shuttle.
This figure is a bit large, to say the least.  If this spaceship spread out its acceleration over the ridiculously long interval of 20 days, then the power required would be:
which is equal to 3.8 billion horsepower.  If it were to accelerate to that speed in the same time that it took for the Shuttle to clear the atmosphere, then over one trillion horsepower would be required. 

            The conclusion I draw from this is that, in order for humans to attain speeds close to that of light, the mass involved must be infinitesimal enough so that the energy can be produced to power it, or else new methods of power (e.g. not derived from chemical or electrical propulsion) must be found. 
            But audiences would never have suspected this in the optimistic year of 1963, and as The Planet of the Apes shows, it was not a picnic when the light-speed travelers arrived at their destination.  Society involved the subjugation of humans by their primate overlords.  When our hero Ulysse finally fled, and returned to Earth, 700 years had passed and the same fate of human enslavement had befallen his planet.
            The moral of the story, if one can be said to exist, was stated aptly by a student in Physics 123 on the day of the relativity lecture: “Stay the hell away from the speed of light.”


The sacrifice of the HMS Thunder Child

This was written by me as a freshman undergrad at Case Western Reserve University in 2006 for PHYS 123, Physics I Honors. It is reprinted in full, original form, with no attempt made to make the conclusion more realistic. Some of my assumptions were silly and made the problem trivial, but these were never graded for strict accuracy.

“About a couple of miles out lay an ironclad, very low in the water, almost, to my brother's perception, like a water-logged ship. […]It was the torpedo ram, Thunder Child, steaming headlong, coming to the rescue of the threatened shipping."
~H.G. Wells, The War of the Worlds

The prelude:

The year is approximately 1900.  The Dreadnought is not yet conceived, and in the late 1890s, ironclad rammers still represent the pinnacle of naval technology.  Fighting desperately for survival against the Martian war machines, the Royal Navy selects the finest ramming ship they had in their arsenal, and the one with the greatest nimbleness and speed. 

She was the Thunder Child, blessed of agility and formidable guns and armor, yet of size small enough to make a tactical naval battle with the Martians on its own terms.  Indeed, her skirmish would be the single bare victory had by the humans of the Victorian era Earth that attempted to fight for their lives against extraterrestrial invaders.  In the Thunder Child they found a symbol- she was built with amazing care and represented the pinnacle of the technology of the world in 1900.
 
Now was the time.  There would be no other.  Thousands of refugees were fleeing after London fell, and the entire British merchant marine could be destroyed by the horrendous Martian war machines.  Three of these devices were dispatched to the seas around England to intercept any and all human vessels, killing them with black smoke.  The lives of thousands were at stake.

The engagement:

Thunder Child was at full steam when she sighted the Martian war machines.  Not used to water, the Martians were not quite sure what to make of the ramming warship.  They had seen no mechanical device at the humans’ disposal that was as large as a warship.  They made the assumption that the device was organic, and deployed the sinister black smoke against it.  Thunder Child’s crew retreated into the ship and they did not inhale any of the poison.  The smoke clouds gave cover to the Thunder Child, and she steamed on a direct collision course with the first war machine, at full 20 knots:

The Martians finally wised up and attempted to strike it with their Heat Ray.  One hit was successful, and the Thunder Child was extremely damaged; still she steamed on.  The pointed bow, with an edge merely an inch thick and twelve feet high, struck hard and pierced the extraterrestrial metal.  The impact was devastating and Thunder Child cleaved the war machine in half very jarringly, losing half of its momentum within a second. (Assumptions made regarding the dimensions and characteristics of the ramming action are all guesses by me.)
(As we find, the armor of the Martian war machines had a tensile strength of greater than 280MPa- superior to modern rolled homogenous steel.  Steel of this quality was nonexistent in 1900, and may have seemed alien.)

The Thunder Child tried then to open up with her six inch guns, but the range was too short for them to be effective.  Instead she, with foundering keel but usable rudder and engines, accelerates to full speed again, to attack the second war machine.  Persistent and desperate salvos destroy the Thunder Child before she can ram the second ship, but the ships boiler and ammunition explode into a massive hailstorm of steel that crushes the second war machine with thousands of tons of molten iron and wounds the third.

The outcome:

A marginal victory for humanity… the destruction of two Martian war machines.  This raid saved the lives of thousands, but there was to be no respite in the struggle to survive against the extraterrestrial invaders.

Structural failure of a CD

This was written by me as a freshman undergrad at Case Western Reserve University in 2006 for PHYS 123, Physics I Honors. It is reprinted in full, original form, with no attempt made to make the conclusion more realistic. Some of my assumptions were silly and made the problem trivial, but these were never graded for strict accuracy.

Professor Starkman once asked us to use rotational mechanics to find out the properties of a CD spinning at 7200 RPM; this gave us some appreciation of the stress on a CD as it is spun. The Mythbusters once tackled the objective of trying to cause structural failure to a CD by creating unusually high rotational speeds to the CD to investigate the myth that a standard CD drive can under certain circumstances spin fast enough to cause a CD to break apart and turn into a lethal disc of shrapnel.

Let’s mesh these worlds, and see what it would physically take to destroy a standard CD.  The figure we were given in our physics class was 7200 RPM.  In certain disc drives, the regular speed may be more. 

Physical Information of CD-
Thickness (X) = 1.20 mm
Material = 100% Polycarbonate (tensile strength, σt, of polycarbonate is about 75 MPa)
Radius (R) = 12.0 cm
Density (d) = 1.20 g/cm^3

Let us make the assumption that since the hole is filled in, we have a complete volume of disc.  Plugging that in to our density:
m/V = d
m =dV
m = dπR2X
Mass (m) = 0.0650 kg

We have a radius and a thickness, which corresponds to a cross-sectional area of a CD on one side.  Recall that it only requires a break at one of these cross-sectional areas to fail.  This material is very brittle; do not expect much strain as a result of stress.  It ought to shatter.  This should simplify things.

I plan to evaluate the centripetal force caused by the spinning of the disc as a function of ω.  This disc must respond to a centripetal force with a normal force.  This normal force is dictated by its structural integrity.  Given that we have a specific area of interest, this force may be divided by area, leaving us with units of N/m^2… the same units as Pa, which is proportional to our tensile strength.  The units of tensile strength and pressure are identical.  Evaluate for the maximum possible ω which will cause a force that exceeds our tensile strength.


σt = F/A           (Force required to break divided by area equals tensile strength)
A = XR            (Cross-sectional area is equal to radius times height)
XRσt = F         (The force that is required)

F = mv^2 / r
v = Rω
F = mRω2
XRσt = mRω2
(XRσt / mR) ½ = ω
(Xσt / m) ½ = ω

This is the maximum possible angular velocity that we can achieve.  After plugging in the appropriate values:

((0.0012m)*(75E+6Pa)/(0.065kg))^ ½ = 1177 rad/s

We now have a figure in radians per second, but disc drives are never advertised in such figures.  What does this translate to in terms of revolutions per minute, the preferred angular velocity measurement of the West?

1177 rad/s*(radian / second)*(1 revolution / 2π radian)*(60 second / 1 minute) =
11200 RPM

Our ceiling figure for angular speed of a CD is 11200! Um, wasn't it way faster on Mythbusters? =/

In all probability, as we estimate for error in this problem, our estimate is extremely liberal with its notion of structural failure.  In actuality, the polycarbonate material may be higher or lower than the one we listed; but every CD has a bottom and top layer which would likely enhance structural integrity.  Additionally, we did not account for the removed section of the disc (the hole in the center, into which an electric motor pushes a rotor that spins the disc.  

My point in this experiment is to reflect on the magnitude of stress on the CD in your disc drive as it whizzes around at 120 to 170 revolutions per second.  A modern engine will be on the redline when a CD drive is operating properly.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The GAU-8 Avenger Autocannon


This was written by me as a freshman undergrad at Case Western Reserve University in 2006 for PHYS 123, Physics I Honors. It is reprinted in full, original form, with no attempt made to make the conclusion more realistic. Some of my assumptions were silly and made the problem trivial, but these were never graded for strict accuracy.

Those with even a cursory knowledge of national air forces will know that there are several roles to fill- air superiority fighter, heavy bomber, stealth bomber, and close-in ground support.  The A-10, ugly and ungainly as it is, is a magnificent piece of work that fills the role of the last category.  With a low flying speed, “titanium bathtub” armor, immense endurance, and a phenomenally powerful main gun, the A-10 is a wonder of military technology and of physics.



Notice that autocannon in the nose?  This is the GAU-8 Avenger, a scaled-up version of the more familiar 7.62mm Minigun and 20mm Vulcan cannon.  It fires depleted uranium shells of 30 mm diameter at a rate of 4200 rounds per minute.  Here our cannon is shown to scale.



One of the most persistent claims by enthusiastic armchair strategists is that the Avenger is so powerful that its recoil is at least as powerful as the engines of the plane- thus, it is capable of slowing down and even stopping our A-10 in the air.  Is this true?  Let’s consider momentum and force.
(momentum) = (force)*(time)                            p = Ft

What is the momentum of our stream of fire?  Since we have a rate of fire and a mass, we can use dimensional analysis to determine momentum, and hence force.
momentum = (mass of shell)*(velocity)*(rate of fire)*(time)                   p = mrt

(mass of shell)*(rate of fire)*(velocity)*(time)/(time) = force                  (mrt)/t = F

(mass of shell)*(rate of fire)*(velocity) = force                                       F = mrv

Think of r as a frequency instead of rate of fire.  We are firing 4200rpm, which equates to 70 rounds per second or 70Hz.  Doing some additional research, we find that the mass of a round is 0.425kg and our muzzle velocity (highest velocity ever attained by the bullet) is 1036m/s.  In comparison, the makers of the A-10 claim that their two engines will produce 80kN of thrust.  Let’s see if we really have the power to stop a plane.

F = mrv

80.kN < (0.425kg)*(70.Hz)*(1036m/s)

80.kN </ 31kN

We can produce “only” thirty-one thousand newtons of force by our Avenger cannon.  This means that the plane will experience a possible deceleration if it is only using partial power, but this can be overcome by employing a steady, large amount of thrust, which is in practice what the pilots tend to do as they are well aware (and possibly fearful) of the myth of planes stopping in midair.

But the GAU-8 Avenger is still incredibly powerful.  Let’s say we mounted all 281kg of the gun on the Terminator’s back, gave him 1000 rounds of ammo and convinced him that he could fire the weapon from a standing position.  His hydraulic joints lock up (he will not drop the weapon and there will be no force lost to excess motion) and he prepares to fire at the full 4200rpm, perhaps too confident of his abilities after playing around with a 7.62mm Minigun in T2.  The Minigun is well beyond the range of a single soldier to carry and operate, but he manages it without difficulty.  However, this weapon can be mounted on a helicopter door, while the Avenger, as we have seen, generates nearly as much recoil as one the jet engines on the A-10.

The Terminator weighs 200.kg.  Of course, he manages to shoulder the behemothic weapon with a bit of effort, and starts firing at T-1000 who has found himself a nifty T-72 tank.  Arnold digs his heels into the muddy ground and achieves a coefficient of friction of 1.0.  How fast will the Terminator accelerate backwards, or can he actually stand in place?

frictional force = (coefficient of friction)(mass)(gravity)               Ff = μmg

Remember to add up all the weight that is now being held on the Terminator’s hyper-alloy legs.

Ff = (1.0)*(281kg + 425kg + 200.kg)*(9.81m/s^2)

Ff = 8.9kN

The friction force is massive, but it is less than a third of the GAU-8 recoil.  There is a net force and Arnold starts to slide immediately.  The net force, accounting for friction, on the Terminator and his gun is now 22kN.

F = ma
22kN = (281kg + 425kg + 200.kg)a
a = 2.4 m/s^2

Buh-bye Arnie. You'll be all over the place. Good luck aiming the thing.  Was the T-1000 terminated?

At 500m, the Avenger can pierce about 70mm of modern composite armor.  The armor of a T-72 is thicker than 70mm- but its armor is old-fashioned steel, meaning that it would take approximately twice as much armor to achieve the same strength.  Narrowing the range to near point-blank, the effect would be catastrophic to this pensionable commie tank.

At negligible range, the 30mm rounds would turn the tank into a hailstorm of steel confetti, and the pyrophoric depleted uranium rounds, upon piercing the frontal armor, would also set fire to the shrapnel within the tank.  They would have so much kinetic energy left that some of the rounds would indeed pierce the rear armor of the tank as well.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The American Restaurant Culture

The involuntary vacating of writing duties that you have witnessed from Barn-megaparsec is due to the chief writer, me, being occupied with immense amounts of work. I have worked in a couple of restaurants for over 3 years, in roles as server, host, expo, dish, and prep or line cook. 

3 years is not a long time compared to some lifers, but given that most people who work in restaurants only remember it from part-time jobs in youth, it's probably enough time to discern some differences between the different management styles and reflect on how restaurant work can be so villified that any number of part-time job holders can walk out or fail to show up every day, while at the same time can hold to its credit lifetime employees who in their old age still show up for work after 20 years in a place that teenagers denigrate after 20 minutes of employment.

The time has come to do some writing about restaurant work, and the focus will NOT be on service. Everyone and their brother has read something on Yahoo or in Reader's Digest that details "things your server will never tell you." You can call this blog post "things you'll never hear from your cook, because he's not allowed to talk to you."

I want to start off with some definitions of terms that are used in American restaurant work. Some are elementary and assume you have never worked in this field before.
  • BOH: back-of-house, meaning invisible or mostly obscured from customer vision. Refers to cooks, drive-thru, dishwashers, prep personnel, kitchen managers, and any BOH support.
  • FOH: front-of-house, meaning within customer vision. Refers to servers, hosts, bussers, food runners, service managers, and any other FOH support. Expos may be FOH or BOH, but typically they are considered FOH.
  • Expo: A person whose job it is to manage the flow of food and to order food runners and servers to take food tableside when complete tickets are filled. This job involves yelling and coordinating different stations within the restaurant. An expo is the last person responsible for making sure that food goes out with appropriate quality.
  • Tipping out: A percentage of the tips made by all the servers are provided to those employees whom the management has seen fit to provide part of their wage through tips. This is done at my current place of employment, but I do not know what percentage is used. It's also calculated to make servers realize that they are just a cog in a machine, and they couldn't provide excellent service without their support staff.
  • Host: You probably already know, but hosts and hostesses are the ones who seat you and keep track of who is in each server's section. They are typically young, pretty, and lack the experience or equanimity to be a server at the present time. They receive a flat wage and may be tipped out. It is common to have at least one host even in a small restaurant.
  • Food runners: They are required to be as presentable as servers, and they sometimes act as surrogate servers, but they too lack the experience or equanimity to be a server at the present time. They receive a flat wage and may be tipped out. Food runners may not be present in small restaurants. We did not have them at Steak n Shake.
  • Bussers: The bottom of the FOH totem pole at any restaurant. Customers rarely expect bussers to provide any service. They may not be as presentable or courteous as servers. They receive a flat wage and may be tipped out. Bussers may not be present in small restaurants. We did not have them at Steak n Shake.
  • Line: In the BOH, a line is generally where food goes from being initially ordered to being fully made and sold, particularly all hot dishes. Following the experience of the automobile assembly line, the restaurants adopted the production line as the most effective way to make dishes and store the prepped portions.
  • POS: Product Ordering System. This is the computer terminal in which the server enters all orders. It simultaneously prints orders in the kitchen, tracks sales for management pursposes, and creates receipts for the customer. It usually allows for completely customized kitchen messages in the case of a strange request. However, cooks are expected to be aware of nearly all modifications to the menu items using the lingo on the ticket, without having to ask for server clarification. Many restaurants have a standardized POS, whereas some larger corporations can afford a proprietary design that better meets their needs.
  • Board: Tickets are placed on the board. In older style restaurants, tickets are handwritten and they are put on clips and slid on a big string that runs the length of the line. In restaurants with standard POS terminals, the tickets come out of a printer, and the board is a metal surface with small marbles underneath, that provide friction and hold a ticket in place when it is pushed into the gap. In restaurants where the cooks will often have oily hands, as in a grill cook at a fast food restaurants, tickets are sometimes eschewed in favor of a computer terminal that displays orders instead. If communication between cooks on the line is necessary, sometimes "board clear" is shouted to indicate that the last ticket has been sold. 
  • Dish: Once you step into a restaurant, a dishwasher is a person, and the thing that washes dishes is called a "dish machine." Every restaurant with sit-down service has at least one dishwasher and one dish machine. They are typically the last to leave because they have to clean all the pans for all the stations, without which those stations cannot fully close. Dish, therefore, is only as fast as the slowest station in the restaurant. Because dish does not really require the best people, it is sometimes considered the lowest spot on BOH pecking order, but a good dishwasher is extremely valued and can make as much as the cooks on the line.
  • Pans: These do not refer to skillets or similar. A pan is a metal or plastic tub for carrying prepped food quantities and storing them on the line. A full pan (or hotel pan) is large and rectangular. Smaller pans are defined in terms of them: there exist third-pans (1/3 the size, long and rectangular) and six-pans (1/6 of the size, square) and nine-pans (1/9 of the size, small and rectangular). Any of these pans can be shallow or deep. This pan terminology is not universally known at all restaurants; at my current job, many of the cooks are inexperienced and have no idea what I'm talking about.
  • Soup well: The soups or other hot liquids (like queso) are usually prepped ahead of time and then kept warm in a soup well. This device rests on a countertop, and on the bottom has a layer of water that it converts into steam. Pans of soup are kept on a rack above the steam, which keeps them hot. Since the heating is uneven, it is necessary to stir the soups frequently. It is also necessary to keep water in the well at all times. If not, the well will not function properly, and it may emit a nasty burnt smell.
  • Pantry: Often considered as separate from the main line, pantry is the part of the kitchen at which salads, soups, appetizers, and desserts are made. Protein is not cooked at this station.
  • Spider: At one of the restaurants at which I worked, a spider was a small handheld filter through which oil was passed when transferring from the wok back into the oil bucket. It had a very fine mesh that removed impurities. This nomenclature may not be universal, but for this particular device it is the only name I know.
  • Ramekin: This is a corruption of the French term ramequin. It refers to a small vessel that holds from 2-8 oz of a sauce or side item. Though some restaurants use ceramic ramekins and wash them, the overwhelming trend in restaurant business is to purchase a very large amount of disposable black plastic ramekins of small (2 oz) or large (4 oz) size. The plastic ramekins have another advantage in that they have a lip to which a lid can be attached, meaning they can be combined with to-go orders. Ramekins are often referred to as "rams". To avoid ambiguity, the older small ceramic bowls, such as might hold baked beans, are given another name. Ramekin today almost universally refers to a disposable item.
  • Deck brush: This is not a "floor scrubber" or any silly nomenclature like that. The correct term for this is a deck brush, following the usage of such a floor-scrubbing tool on the decks of ships. A typical floor cleaning policy at the end of the night is to drop soapy water, scrub the floor with the deck brush, and then squeegee the water into drains. Mops are rarely used in BOH, but in the FOH mops and hot, soapy water are often used because they do not require drains or squeegees.
  • Spindle: A spindle is an upright sharp stick on a mount; it is what tickets are stabbed onto when they are sold. It might be purpose-sold for stabbing tickets, or it might be a section of 2x4 with a nail sticking through it. Whatever works.
  • Bus tub: Distinct from pans, bus tubs are of standardized size and are always made of plastic. They are both used for storing dishes as a busser makes his rounds, or they can be used for storing prepped food in large quantities, like salad mix. If a dishwasher is being bombarded from many servers or bussers dumping their bus tubs in his station at the same time, it might be jokingly remarked that he just got hit by a bus.
  • Wrecking shop: The solution to a hectic situation on the line is to just kick ass. Wrecking shop is the restaurant equivalent of working very fast to meet the customer's demands, and doing one's work entirely correctly despite the stress of the situation. If your line is messy because everyone has been furiously making and selling food for the past hour, then a manager who complains about the mess might receive "We've been wrecking shop" as an excuse. This might be a more recent development, but I've heard it in a lot of places.
  • Shut down: When the manager needs to announce that all customers have made their way through ordering food, and no more may be expected to be sold, the call for "shut down" is given. This means that cooks can start taking steps that can't be undone, like throwing away soups or rice that couldn't be sold tomorrow. Shut down is always later than closing time, because the managers must ensure that the restaurant will feed new customers until at least the posted closing time. Shut down might not come until an hour after closing time, on a very busy day.
  • GM: General Manager
  • DM: District Manager
  • KM: Kitchen Manager
  • Dead: The restaurant is dead if it's really slow or empty. However, that doesn't mean that you'll get really fast service. Maybe the managers wanted to pinch some pennies and cut 2/3 of their service staff just a few minutes earlier. Maybe there's only one cook back there. Even a mild rush can overwhelm the skeleton crew in the period 2-4 pm. Because large business is unlikely in this time period, this is when managers ask prospective employees to drop off applications and when they schedule interviews.
  • Walk-in: The word "fridge" is never used in a restaurant. If it's a walk-in refrigerator, it's called a "walk-in". The smaller refrigerators that are kept nearby stations underneath the counter are called "coolers".
  • Running trash: Sometimes it is as innocuous as it sounds, as in just taking trash to the dumpster. However, it's often used as a coded message for "taking a smoke break".
  • All day: This means "everything that is currently on the board." To say that you need "four ribeyes all day" is to say that that is how many steaks you need for all the tickets you presently have.
Here's something you'll never hear from a cook: We are sick and tired of hearing all the waiter rants online and in publication. Having worked both as a waiter and as a cook, I can tell you that being a waiter is better than being a cook. Why? 4 basic reasons.
  1. Temperature. The dining room has to be relatively comfortable because customers eat there. However, the kitchen might be sweltering, the floor might be greasy, every surface might be dirty, and the air circulation might suck. Because waiters stay out of the kitchen generally, they don't even realize how comfortable their work environment comparatively is.
  2. Pay. Yes, I know that there are whiny servers out there who gripe about that $1 tip that they made from a big table, but these cases are few and far between. Cooks without any managerial responsibilities generally make under $10 per hour. Servers make significantly more than that once they learn the ropes at their place. I often dine with servers in the employee area on my break, and I hear how they consider a mediocre morning or afternoon shift's tips to amount to 50% more than I earned cooking for them that morning. Don't try to deny it and say that people tip less than you think. I  served at a Steak n Shake and I got stiffed a lot. Our most popular meals were $4. Even on that level of tipping, I earned noticeably more than I have ever earned as a cook, and my shifts were usually shorter and easier. Servers who whine about bad tips should have their fingernails ripped out. It's just disgraceful and I'll never tire of hating on it.
  3. Management. Servers are often disciplined within near-earshot of customers, so the manager isn't going to cuss at you or make obnoxious threats. In the BOH, managers do freely scream at cooks to hurry up and move their asses. They will piss on you if you let something go wrong, even if there isn't jack shit you could have done about it. Oftentimes cooks are treated as being able to deal with more bullshit, as though it's a natural order. When business picks up, and you do more work than usual, you'll rarely if ever be congratulated. Receiving a simple thank-you is often all it takes to make a cook feel better about his job, but I can't even remember the last time I heard it from anyone in a management position at my present job.
  4. Tedium. During times in which you aren't completely busy, and you're cleaning or stocking, your responsibility is usually limited to one small area. It's rather boring.
Despite this, there are plus points to being a cook rather than a server, but some of them are unique to me.
  1. I don't like lying or pretending to be happy. I was actually a really good server at my first job, but I was much younger then, and I don't know if I could conscientiously come up with rapid-fire excuses or blame the kitchen for my mistakes when I know what I know now.
  2. Cooking food makes you feel like you're producing something for mankind. Good service is relative, and not everybody even wants full service in the first place, but when you make hot, delicious food, it's just innately valuable. 
  3. Some of the servers actually do understand you, and when you help another human being recover from a mistake, their happiness rubs off on you, and the fact that you can help them earn a better tip makes you feel good.
  4. The labor is sometimes physically demanding. It requires more use of your muscles than being a server. You'll be standing all day long, rushing when needed, and moving big boxes, trays, and pans of stuff around all the time. Sometimes you realize that there are people who pay to receive a gym membership just to do what you get to do anyway, which makes you feel good.
  5. If you work in a place that has good food (and almost every restaurant DOES have good food, it just needs to be prepared properly) then your employee benefits are a plus. Most places will give a free meal in between shifts of a double, and on single shifts before or after, 50% discount on whatever you order. It's also common to give employees a 20% discount when they come in to eat not as employees, but as guests with their families or friends. I should point out that most restaurants extend the same advantages to servers. However, the policy depends on the attitude of management. Cooks have pretty high retention in places where the boss lets them take home a free meal every once in a while without ringing it in, and they have pretty low retention if the boss gives them shit for what sort of employee meal they order.
My current job leaves me in a dilemma: the hours are as free-flowing as I could want, but the environment is as crappy as it gets. For the moment, my resolve is to milk it while I can, since this restaurant is basically seasonal and well over half of the staff, probably including me, will not find employment there after the summer months. I work major overtime every week. My boss has never said "Go home, you're on overtime" and they have sometimes actually asked me to stay to do some final chore after my station is broken down.

The restaurant industry is something for which I will always have respect. It is the most unbridled form of capitalism. A person or some people have an idea for a good place to eat, and they can start very small, perhaps operating from their own home. The sky is the limit beyond that. Americans as a whole are always willing to try something new, but they are notoriously finicky for what will get their food dollars reliably, so the fortunes of a restaurant or chain of them sways in the wind. The only fast-food giant that has always remained embedded at the top is McDonald's; at various times all the others (Jack in the Box, Wendy's, Burger King, KFC, Taco Bell, and many others) have struggled to maintain their current position. On the other hand, the tools and equipment of a restaurant or chain are not diverse or expensive compared to almost any other field, so a new startup can take advantage of the churn and get used equipment from any vendor with waning fortunes, and use the tools of the old failures to make a new success. Because the capital cost of a restaurant is so small, and the labor cost can be elastically tailored to suit the level of demand expected, restaurants can break even very quickly after opening, and so even if a chain opens a new location, and starts losing business after the initial fanfare dies down, they might have made a profit even if the doors close in a year.

To give you an example? I remember in Seguin, TX there was a California-based company that opened a restaurant called "Malibu Burger Shack" with expensive, gourmet burgers. I ate there once and was horrified at the price, but I think everyone in Seguin ate there at least once. They did get a bit of hubbub and the place was packed in the opening weeks. Even though they didn't even last 6 months, I'm quite confident that the CEO who came up with the idea wasn't hurting too bad.

As for the employees? Don't weep for them. So what if you worked for a company that closed down your location? If you have experience and a good attitude, you'll get a job in a hundred places within a 10-mile radius. It's impossible in America to remain unemployed if you are willing to work in a restaurant; consequently, when anyone says that they are unable to get any job, I interpret that to mean that they think that my line of work is beneath them, and so I lose sympathy instantly. Granted, my full-time work at a restaurant earns me perhaps under 20k annually, but that's enough for a person to live on while they continue to look for more gainful employment.

I have a sympathy for the managers because I know how much hatred they get for themselves from the employees. Sometimes it's justified, sometimes not. But my dad has been a restaurant GM for over 20 years, and whenever he explains how he does things, the logic of management makes sense to me. Of course good managers aren't universal, and if a corporation or private company is poorly-run at the very top, then bad managers will infest it in no time.

Although I have never technically worked with a pure fast-food company, my former jobs were with two corporations. The first one, I don't mind saying, was at Steak n Shake. The other, which was my longest-held job, was with a small but growing pan-Asian restaurant chain. I became a trainer at one position with this company. They would have given me more expanded employment options had I been able to travel to other stores, but I was a full-time student and this was not possible.

Let me start with Steak n Shake. If this location is not near you (weird, and I pity you) it's a 24-hour restaurant that focuses on "steakburgers" and milkshakes. They also have a breakfast menu, although it seems like few people know this. It's cheaper, albeit more basic, than IHOP. This company was founded in 1934, and its business model of casual dine-in or carry-out (with drive-thru coming later) is older than that of McDonald's or any modern fast food locations. The fact that these locations are often open 24 hours means that if you can stomach it, you can work nightmarishly long hours and the bosses will willingly dole out overtime if you're good and you cover shifts for people who never showed up. My location had an excellent GM, and most of the other managers were also tactful and courteous. My coworkers were mostly good. When I left after eight months to go to Texas (giving ample notice), I was missed, and even showing up 2 years later, there were workers there who remembered me. The thing that inevitably struck me about Steak n Shake is that they had a large component of their workforce composed of "lifers", who had held employment in the same chain or perhaps the same location for 10 or 15 or more years. You have to attribute that to a good company. The more I looked into it, from the top the bottom, Steak n Shake had effective corporate policies, good management and trainers, good advertising presence in the regions in which it operated, and the product was both cheap and pretty satisfying. Both as a customer and an employee, I really think Steak n Shake is a good company.

Then I worked for a place called Mama Fu's. This was also a corporation, albeit much smaller. Perhaps there were 7-10 locations at the time I was hired. I was with the opening crew of the New Braunfels location. I originally trained as a server again, but was moved to expo more often, and then did that full-time, until I decided I would receive more reliable hours if I became a cook instead. This change was heartily welcomed by my managers. I found BOH work to be much harder than FOH work. The pace was tougher and without the incentive of tips, you rarely felt rewarded for doing a better job. However, my perception was wrong on this count. Although there was no monetary incentive for wrecking shop, it gave you the kind of respect from your coworkers that you never got as a server. Cooks who can stay cool under pressure and with all the boards full of tickets get their recognition from those that witness them doing their job well. Management here was mixed. I felt we always had poor GMs, but our KM was always a good guy. However, this particular location had some co-workers whom I found utterly intolerable. At one point I arrived at a chaotic situation at this job, finding myself being ordered around by someone who was junior to me, and I waited one infuriating hour to receive an explanation or for a manager to return. When no one did, I hung up my apron and quit on the spot. I regretted this decision later, but I'm a man of my word.

The current job that I hold is with a family-owned company. It is technically one location, although the location is directly adjacent to several similar restaurants and bars which are owned by the same family. The neighborhood could be said to be owned by them, and they may have achieved an effective level of synchronization between these locations. However, compared to a corporation, the level of organization is incredibly sloppy, the management is simultaneously lax and irritable, there are no full-time trainers, and little or no incentive given to those who choose to teach others to do things the right way. Maybe it's just a madhouse in summer (business on weekend days exceeds $50,000 in sales and sometimes approaches $100,000) and in winter, when sales are significantly smaller, there may exist some kind of rationalization.

Sorry to keep banging on about it, but I really like corporations! They create a very common sense barrier of entry: giving a shit. If you don't give a shit, it doesn't matter if you show up on time, you're an obstacle to success. How can you please all the customers if the cooks haven't been trained or don't care to do it the correct way? Whenever a restaurant rolls out a new recipe, they do testing to see what is the best portion size, flavor modifications, and cost control tweaks. A corporation does these things better, and then they employ a network of trainers to ferry the information both to new hires and existing workers. In a family-owned or independent restaurant, there are often 10,000 ways to do everything, and different people will be dead-set in their ways until the day they get yelled at for doing a sub-par job. And then they'll blame somebody else and keep doing it, or adjust their method so it just barely scrapes by. Corporations hire trainers who do everything by the book. If there's a question, the answer exists in writing within easy reach. At a small business, the answer might not exist except in the mind of somebody who came up with the recipe, who happened to quit 2 years ago. 

This isn't to say that there aren't employees who work long-term in a family restaurant. Of course there are many people like that. But new hires don't receive the same level of training and conditioning as a corporation would give them, and consequently everybody shows up with their own differing opinions of how to do things. A worker must resign himself to simply not knowing the exact right way of doing things. For me, I'll never get used to it, and I look forward to the end of summer so I can move on to something else.

I want to add a list of "cook secrets" and something of a rebuttal to all these "waiter secrets" you keep seeing:
  • Just because something is a special, doesn't mean it's virtually expired. Sometimes they have equally fresh proteins in every department and they just want to sell a lot of a particular item because the market price is cheap this week. Furthermore, if you think a special involving fish could involve fish that is past freshness, then smell it. Bad fish always stinks, and you can't sell stinky fish. If they are trying to sell the fish before it goes bad, is that really dishonorable in any way?
  • If a server actually does something unsanitary with your food, a million other people will see it. Cooks would love to snitch on a waitress for sneezing in your salad, because while that waitress was gruff with us, we weren't up front to hear the chewing out that you gave her, so our sympathies will be with the customers over the servers.
  • Cooks generally don't do unsanitary things either. In the entire time I've worked in restaurants, I've seen cooks get mad, but I have never witnessed anyone spit in the food, or do anything gross with it. The risk is too high that you'd be disciplined. Most restaurants have conscientious people who'd be fine tattling on those who commit willful violations of the health code. Yours truly is one of these folks.
  • Unless the restaurant is visibly dead, the chances are high that your server has no chance of coming up with enough time to mess with your credit card.  If you're mean to your server for no reason, they would rather ignore you and focus on the other customers more, to maximize their tips there. It's pretty darn rare to see a server go out of their way to get even.
  • We remake things constantly. If there's a finished dish that turns out bad in some small way that we can't put right very quickly while it's still hot, we will redo the whole damn thing, because if it's going to reach your table looking good, it has to come out of our window looking superb.
  • Cooks very rarely put out food that they know is inedible. If you say it's cold or it's gotten crusty on the top, the odds are 5:1 that your server simply let it sit and didn't run it to the table promptly after we made it. We want to do it right the first time because we don't want to have to remake it.
  • Managers let cooks throw away food that isn't good. If you tell a manager that you simply wouldn't feel conscientious to sell something, because you think it's ugly or nasty, they will back down and eat the loss of product, because it says something to have a cook stand up for the quality of the food.
  • If you give your server a complicated order, and it's made wrong, the odds are 3:1 that the server didn't understand. I cannot count the number of times that a server has come back apologizing that they need us to remake that order that just had a bunch of modifications, because he didn't get it right the first time.
  • DO tip your server poorly if the food is cold. This will force the server to have some kind of an incentive to get the food to you hot. They are supposed make sure the food is good before it leaves the window. If it wasn't hot when they grabbed it, they shouldn't have grabbed it!
  • DO NOT tip your server poorly for saying that we can't make a specific modification. If you want the tortilla soup without onions, I beg your pardon, but it's impossible because there's a million tiny chunks floating around in it, and that is not your server's fault.
  • Feel free to ask any and all questions about our recipes. If most of the cooks don't know, then they will ask the most experienced one, and then they'll all have to learn something. It's a win-win.
  • Don't assume that it has to be made fresh to be good. Every single dessert we make at my restaurant comes to us frozen, but the German chocolate cake is the best I've ever had. Welcome to the 21st century- we have amazing technology nowadays. If it tastes good, and if your palate isn't put off by any artificial flavor, then it ought to be good enough.
  • Know your allergies before you come in. If you have an allergy to nuts, don't order any desserts, since the dust could be in any of the dessert toppings. Don't ask me to ensure that no allergens could possibly contaminate your body, because you take the same risk walking out the front door every morning. I can't sanitize life for you.
  • Salads aren't made days earlier! I have never heard such rubbish in my entire life. A 3-day old salad would be disgusting. Iceberg starts to go orange on the corners in maybe 30 hours, romaine will start to get brown spots in 2 days. I have never worked in a restaurant where a single portion of salad wasn't made and then sold in less than 12 hours, even if they were pre-made and then wrapped in a case. At my current restaurant, we sell so many salads that during our dinner rush, they are virtually made at the time of ordering, and the salad mix is made twice a day. And even THEN we sometimes have to throw out product that isn't fresh enough. We want our salads to look as good as you would ever care to make yourself at home using ingredients you just bought from the market.
  • Nobody wears gloves unless they like the feel of them. 70% of pantry cooks (who make salads) do not wear gloves ever. Those who do wear glove don't change them often enough. But how often do you get sick from eating a salad? I'm kinda disdainful of the notion of wearing gloves as long as you wash your hands regularly and touch only sanitary things. We're cooks and we only touch food, but you might not even wash your hands before you eat, when your hands could have been anywhere.
  • Cooks don't clean the bathrooms in the dining room. If the bathroom isn't clean, that has absolutely nothing to do with the cleanliness of the kitchen. To say that the cleanliness of a bathroom has any bearing on the sanitation of the kitchen is silly.
  • I've never even heard of powdered eggs outside of "waiter secrets" lists. At Mama Fu's we used liquid eggs, which tasted fine. At Steak n Shake we used real eggs: there were HUGE cartons of them in the walk-in.
  • "9 times out of 10, if your food takes a long time to come out, it's the kitchen's fault and not the server's." By my personal experience, servers make exactly twice as many mistakes as kitchen staff do. And go back and read my comment about how often we remake food. If it took a long time, I'd give 3 most likely reasons: 1) we're just plain busy and couldn't go much faster; 2) the server misunderstood you and we had to remake a mistake; 3) the cook didn't look at the ticket closely enough, and we had to remake a mistake.
  • I read once that servers at casual dining restaurants earn a median income of $8.01 after including tips. That's horseshit: they don't have to report their cash tips if they bank personally. They can claim that they made $50 in tips when they made $100. Saves on taxes and makes them look poorer than they really are.
  • The original purpose of tipping was to provide feedback and reward really good behavior by servers. If you tip servers at 15% regardless, you might be subsidizing lazy servers at the expense of really excellent ones. I feel free to give mediocre tips if they did a mediocre job that they should have been trained to avoid. I am not a tough or complicated customer, and if a server screws up big time, I am not afraid to stiff. Servers get 80% or more of their income from customers, with little or no management oversight. Managers won't know that there's a problem with a server's performance, or some hidden excellence, unless you show them exactly how you feel by giving a tip that reflects it.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Joke of the Day #13

Stan: You know the story behind The Great Escape movie?
Dan: Yes, it was quite daring for all those POWs to escape at once.
Stan: Well, they didn't allow any corporals to work on the digging process.
Dan: Seems silly, why is that?
Stan: Because they would have developed corporal tunnel syndrome.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Condensed American Political Tradition (1620-1783)

The class POSI 2310 is required for all undergraduates at my university in the state of Texas. It could very well be renamed "Early American Political Documents," because that represents the entire body of the course, with no attention paid to figures, maps, statistics, speeches, pictures, stories, or legends. One can actually gain a large degree of familiarity with the American political tradition by following just a half-dozen or so important documents.

A note on American documentary history: Unlike the edicts of French kings or the mandates of Russian tsars or Japanese shoguns, there is not much precedent (or acceptance) in America of laws and constitutions and acts being imposed upon them. When a document is produced officially, it usually represents laborious debate, often overcoming overwhelming opposition at the start. Despite this, the message is usually fairly clear, and (at least for the examples you are about to look at) relatively short and readable.

This post discusses some of the documents we studied. The remainder will come in the follow-up post.

Mayflower Compact (1620)

The Mayflower Compact, a painting by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris
This document was created by the settlers of the Plymouth colony in present-day Massachusetts upon the second-ever successful colonization effort by the English (Jamestown in 1607 was first). The Mayflower carried 101 settlers, including many women and children. The 41 signers of this document included the majority of the adult males aboard the ship. In the very first line the signers describe themselves as "loyall Subjects of our dread soveraigne Lord King James." This implies that they were eager to assert that they remained loyal to the King, even if they felt persecuted enough for their religious heterodoxy to travel across the Atlantic in the first place.


From my perspective, it seems like the early colonists wanted to take almost everything English with them except for the reasons they had fled. Because everyone fled for different reasons, this created a surprising amount of diversity from the start, even though practically all of them were natives of the British Isles. This document is very short and every sentence is thoughtful, so reading the entire thing is recommended. They directly list their motivations very clearly:
  1. the glory of God;
  2. advancement of the Christian faith;
  3. the glory and honor of their King
They list their goal as the creation of a civil body politic. This is the distant precursor to an American state. It's the original representative government of the people, with much later national and local governments receiving their legitimacy from the state. As an aside, I do not speak for the cause of "state's rights" in particular when I say that the only thing the Constitution cannot be amended to do is deny the existence of the states, because they existed first.

The Plymouth settlers did not expect any kind of assistance or overseeing from the English government. They asserted their loyalty to the English King, and specifically did not mention Parliament. None of the colonists ever expected that the British would take much interest in the colonies, and so they paid lip service to loyalty, but the British government's policy during the 17th and early 18th centuries was always a hands-off approach to its colonies. Some have referred to it as "benign neglect." In the case of the United States, this policy let a spirit of independence grow.

Fundamental Orders of Connecticut (1639)

This document is sometimes cited as "the first written constitution" in the modern, Western sense of being a single founding document. The background for this is that Connecticut was part of the territory claimed by Massachusetts, but being settled outside of the authority of the Massachusetts General Court. This could be considered an act of declaring independence from Massachusetts.

The Fundamental Orders formally protected some procedural rights of the people. A procedural right says that "the government can't do this without first doing this", while a substantive right has some quality where "the government cannot do this under any circumstances". Since the Fundamental Orders allowed itself to be modified by the Connecticut government at any time, it had no substantive rights.

Massachusetts Body of Liberties (1641)

This is probably the first attempt at a "bill of rights". It was radical enough that it was declared null and void by King Charles II in 1684, but then was reinstated before finally being replaced with a new provincial royal charter in 1691. The English didn't like the Massachusetts notions of rights and freedoms.

As before in Connecticut, there were some novel guaranteed rights like the right to a trial by jury, freedom from unlawful search and seizure, right to bail, and freedom from having property taken by the government without compensation. But the Massachusetts General Court reserved the right to modify these anytime. It also did not say that procedures could not be enacted to make trampling of any of these rights commonplace. There were not yet substantive rights enshrined into law anywhere in the world.

Virginia Bill of Rights (1776)

George Mason, author of the document
We have passed a long section of history, and let me fill you in: in 1650 the British make their first effort to regulate colonial commerce with the Navigation Acts, but they are largely unenforced. The American colonial economies flourished throughout 1650-1750 in the absence of strong British regulation, with unfettered economic freedom. Indian wars are of course continuously ongoing. The Seven Years War (1756-1763) was a global military conflict involving the UK, France, Sweden, Russia, various German states, and many Indian tribes. In the US, this is referred to as the French and Indian War, since the French were the enemies, and the Indians were largely allied with the French against the British and Americans. The war was an astonishing British victory, securing control both over North America and the Indian subcontinent. It was the first indication that Britain would become a superpower. However, the cost of the Seven Years' War was enormous (it has been called the "first world war") and the British felt that the American colonies should pay off the British debt (despite their own contribution to the war in the form of militia and support for British troops). Historians do not agree on whether the mere concept of repayment to England was unacceptable to Americans, but the heavy-handed means that Parliament used to tax Americans definitely engendered massive outpourings of grief and hatred. Taxation without American representation in Parliament violated customs of the very convoluted British Constitution. A massacre of civilians in Boston in 1770 was later followed by protest of a tea tax by throwing tea overboard into Boston Harbor in 1773 (the Boston Tea Party). The final straw came in 1775 when the British attempted to take American powder stores and muskets. The Americans were informed of the British raid by riders like Paul Revere, and their quick-response militia (known as "minutemen" for their ability to get ready for combat in one minute) intercepted the British. Shots were fired, although nobody knows who gave the order to fire. The American Revolution was underway.

As you might expect, since the Virginia Bill of Rights comes in 1776, it's representative of what the American Revolution meant in practical political terms. Speaking generally, shortly after the outbreak of hostilities in 1775, American citizens sensed that the chance was at hand to secure local self-government and seized it in every single one of the 13 colonies. Most of them revoked their colonial charters and wrote themselves new constitutions or at least laws reflecting the democratic content of the states for the future. The fear was great that the British would win the war and hang the rebels, but despite the danger, all states had a majority or at least plurality of the prominent officials, representatives, and statesmen come out in favor of independence. It was more or less spontaneous after word had spread that hostilities were underway in New England. By 1776 all of the colonies had some self-governing powers and no longer depended on English support for legitimacy.

The Virginia Bill of Rights (also Virginia Declaration of Rights, but I use the former wording because that is how I was taught) is an example of a globally important document. It assures to Virginia citizens (still only white males) many substantive rights that were later enshrined in the US Bill of Rights and exported worldwide. It uses rhetoric like "all men are by nature equally free and independent, and have certain inherent rights" and listed among them free practice of religion, speech, property rights, protection against cruel and unusual punishment, freedom from unlawful search and seizure, and freedom to own and bear weapons.

Much of this language was re-used by Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence, which is far more widely-known, but was never intended nor used as the basis of government, while Virginia actually used its Bill of Rights as a cornerstone of its constitution. 

The military history of the United States during the American Revolution is also important, but I will condense it all into a single-paragraph narrative:

Landsowne portrait of Washington, 1796
In 1775 the war was started at Lexington and Concord when American militia stopped British Army troops in the action that was already described. They showed their willingness to fight by inflicting heavy losses on the British Army at Bunker Hill. Later that year the inhabitants of Massachusetts spontaneously rose up against the British throughout the state and pushed them into Boston, where they would have starved if not evacuated. Later in the year the British conquered New York and defeated George Washington's Continental Army in many engagements. The Americans unsuccessfully attacked Quebec in 1775 and lost. American morale was restored by a raid against the British by crossing the Delaware River into New Jersey at the end of the year. Still, no major successes for the Patriots came until a victory at Saratoga by Gen. Horatio Gates in 1778. After that, the French government fully supported the Americans. With French naval support, the Americans under Washington blockaded English Gen. Cornwallis at Yorktown in 1781 and forced his surrender. The British might have won the war if they fought with all their might, but it was never something they had the stomach for. The war had a negotiated peace in 1783, after which the 13 states (all of which had fought against the British in some way or another) created the Articles of Confederation, a weak national government with almost all power held by the individual states.

This is all well-known. But I'd like to point out some lesser-known facts. Over the course of the war, something like four-fifths of all powder and shot used by American forces was bought or donated from France. Without French industry, American industry would have been so outclassed by the British Army that it would have been impossible to win the war. The French King could have found other ways to harrass the British instead of supporting American revolutionaries, so it's a miracle of history that he chose to do so. The Marquis de Lafayette, a French general, was revered by the American people for his sacrifices for American independence. When Lafayette came to America again in 1824 and visited all of the states, he earned the biggest hero's welcome a foreigner has ever received in this part of the world. Viva la France! We should never forget the earnest support they gave us.


Loyalists (those who opposed revolution and remained loyal to the British crown) amounted to a sizable portion of the US population, perhaps 20%. At least 40% were Patriots (pro-independence), and the remainder were undecided, and mostly concerned about surviving the war. Washington was an extremely determined general but his tactics were not exceptional; he had many embarrassing defeats. But Washington's decision to resign power  and disband the Continental Army at the end of 1783 was incredibly good fortune for the American people. It stunned the monarchs of Europe, who had never seen anything like it happen in modern times. King George III of England called Washington "the greatest character of the age" for his humble act of resignation. The reason Washington is so legendary is not because of his military success or his success as first President. It is because he protected the trust of the American people in a way that has never existed before. He was loved as much as Emperor Augustus had been. He could have betrayed the revolution and become a modern dictator, since he had the popularity and possessed the only professional army on the whole continent, but he chose to leave the political scene in order to let the new republic grow in a democratic direction. 

Looking ahead: The Constitution and Regional Divide

The next post will be longer and cover the period 1783-1865. It will go through the Articles of Confederation, Constitutional Convention, the first presidencies, the War of 1812, and lead up to the Civil War. Much of the content of 1820-1860 will be condensed since, speaking from the American political tradition, it's a period of gridlock in which not much happened.

The briefest summary of American political tradition has been a dogged resistance to authority that is perceived as being unfair or un-representative, with conscience and love for neighbors requiring that citizens should fight not just for their own rights and well-being, but for those of others. The desire to fight for freedom was present in all Americans of the Revolution. The major caveat of this was the subjugation of black persons as slaves, which was perceived by large portions of the American people to be the natural and proper order of life, and it had large concentrations in the southern United States.

The earliest Americans were largely a very religious people, as evidenced by prodigious mentions to God-given rights and to the will and justice of God. The inhabitants of Plymouth, Massachusetts Bay, and Rhode Island all had religious motivations in coming to the New World. Since the church was the only way that literacy was spread before public schools, this means that most writing that exists from 17th century Americans comes from New England. The churches did not explicitly condemn slavery at this time, except for the Quakers, but slaveholding was very, very rare in New England at any point, and it was banned there before 1800 in any case.

New England may have been the cultural center of America in the 17th century, but Virginia was by far the most populous state. Without its support, no national union could exist. Jamestown was originally founded to earn a profit, but after the spectacular failure and over 80% death rate in the original settlement, the motivation shifted from exploitation of the land to permanent settlement. Virginia was also the home of most of the founding fathers and four of the first five presidents: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison (author of the US Constitution), and James Monroe.


The Deep South was very sparsely inhabited; Georgia and the Carolinas did not play a decisive role in the war, nor in the development of unique American political tradition. And the stage was already set for the North to industrialize starting in the early 19th century, while the South (Virginia included) would stagnate because of its attachment to slavery. Slavery was technically legal in all states before the Revolution. New England states had practically no slaves or willing slaveholders, and it was no great task to ban slavery when those states made new constitutions during the war. However, in the Deep South, like South Carolina, blacks were 2/3 of the population and their labor was crucial to support the white minority. The climate of the South also supported plantation farming on a large scale, which was not possible in the North.

The first blacks arrived in Virginia in 1619. They were indentured workers, but not permanent slaves, and could not be sold as property. Most of them eventually gained their freedom and some became slaveholders later on. By the 1640s, slavery was still uncommon, and usually only as a penalty for disobedient black indentured workers. Slavery became supported by law in some states in the 1650s, and by 1660 Virginia had set the precedent that non-Christian, non-British-subject people of African origin could be kept as slaves forever, with their children also becoming slaves. It was still possible to see blacks being freed by the courts throughout the latter half of the 17th century, usually with good connections and lawyers, but by 1705 Virginia had legally codified slavery as permissible for any non-Christian foreigner. This technically included other European nationals, but in practice it was only legally defended for African slaves and captured Indians. By about 1700, slavery was in wide use throughout the South, and was at least legal in the North, if not common. The great majority of black slaves worked on huge Southern plantations for cash crops like tobacco, rice, and sugar.

Despite this, there are historians who foolishly say that the South would have gradually abandoned slavery starting in the 1790s because it was not possible to grow soil-depleting crops indefinitely, and nothing else would pay to use slaves. At the time the Constitution was written in 1788, they might have been correct in this prediction. Southerners did not even object to a clause that would ban importation of slaves after 1808. Although the British would ban slave trade in 1807, one year earlier, the Americans wrote it into their Constitution in 1788, making them the first modern nation to take measures against African slavery. In the antebellum period between 1807 and 1860, the Royal Navy, with minor support from the US Navy, performed a miracle of humanitarianism in fighting the slave trade on the high seas. They were remarkably effective and intercepted hundreds of slave ships, freeing tens of thousands of soon-to-be slaves.

However, slavery would not make a clean exit in the USA. Eli Whitney's 1793 invention of the cotton gin changed the world forever and invigorated slavery beyond its previous financial incentive. Slaves suddenly became enormously profitable because the cotton gin made it possible for unskilled slaves to pick and refine cotton, while cotton could be grown throughout the Deep South and did not deplete the soil as quickly as most of the other cash crops. In the twenty years leading up to the importation ban, over 100,000 more slaves were imported, at a faster rate than ever before. Under managed procreation, by the time of the Civil War in 1860, there were millions of slaves: one in three Southerners was an enslaved black person. Even with vastly increased numbers, by 1860 slaves were more expensive than they had ever been before. To make predictions about the eventual abolition of slavery is somewhat preposterous, since all slaveholding nations had to enact laws to achieve emancipation. The French were able to emancipate during the French Revolution, and the British found little political difficulty in it because the British-owned slaves were in the Carribean. Since there were almost no slaves living in the British Isles, Parliament's decision to manumit slaves starting in 1833 was not fraught by any of the terror and destruction that the Southerners feared would be wrought on their home states by emancipation. Their fears were perhaps heightened by John Brown's raids in the 1850s, leading them to fear the wrath of both armed abolitionists and rebellious ex-slaves. No doubt this fear made the Confederate States armies fight doggedly to preserve their existing system, for fear of devastation at home.

To veer slightly off topic, another obstacle to the progress of the South, and a glaring example of the un-American character of the antebellum (pre-Civil War) South, was its adherence to a similar aristocratic structure than that which had existed in England. The FFV (First Families of Virginia) refers to several dozen families who were the original inhabitants and could trace their lineage to the days of Pocahontas and John Rolfe. Their descendants were powerful, and concentrated at the very top. In 1660, the entire Council of Virginia was comprised of descendants of just five families. By 1775, all of the members of the Council were descendants of the same members who had been there in 1660.

Why is this population study interesting? It is interesting because it is something that no longer exists in America and has not for 150 years. Here was yet one more casualty of the Civil War: the aristocratic society which held that someone's background or name entitled him to more, and that his standing was the most important thing he had. Here was espoused the belief that because his father had owned hundreds of slaves, he was entitled to own hundreds of slaves. This system had its adherents even among poor Southern whites, who unrealistically hoped to join in the prosperity but never managed to do so. The optimism of poor whites in the South led to them supporting slavery enthusiastically, even though slaves were too expensive for them to own, since they longed for the day when they could own slaves to become rich, as they saw the plantation owners did.  In the expanding South, like Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana, there was an ample supply of good land to be worked by slaves, with profits concentrated at the very top. This model would continue to grow unchanged until 1860. Profits were better than ever due to soaring demand for cotton. The South was actually responsible for 2/3 of the exports of the United States in 1860, even though the North was significantly more industrialized. The ruin of the Southern economy when the market for cotton was closed by Northern blockade was total.

This aristocracy never developed in New England or in the subsequent Midwest and Far West, which was far more egalitarian. Although this egalitarianism had a religious motivation at first, eventually the Northern culture became synonymous with capitalism and free market economy. Social mobility was critically important; no aristocratic tendencies existed because it was impossible to consolidate power for generations without slave labor. Southern slaveholders were living in a feudalistic world that was already obsolete. For all future territories where slavery was disallowed from the start, even if the majority of the settlers were Southerners, the old Southern plantation culture would not be recreated. Good riddance, too.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Joke of the Day #12

Q: What is the most obscene theory used in electrical engineering?
A: Jerkoff's Current and Voltage Laws.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Joke of the Day #11

Stan: Did you know that Ford is going to make a pickup-truck-mounted port-a-potty? 
Dan: Yep. They're thinking of calling it the F-250 Super Doodie.
Stan: I'm not the biggest fan of Fords, but this sounds like a good idea. I sure hope it "runs".