Sunday, August 25, 2013

Joke of the Day #23

In the 1860s there was an adventurous, rich, eccentric German computer scientist who decided to lead an expedition into uncharted, harsh territory. Even if it turned out to be a failure, he would enjoy compiling a record of his journey. Maybe he'd even make an entire library of his findings.

Before leaving, he freed his entire collection of animals in a stable release, keeping only his mouse. Having no wife or family, the only regular people in his life he had to inform of his absence were his mailman and garbage collector. He went to an American port in transit, and was excited to see monitors of the US Navy anchored there, and spoke with a Commodore who linked him to an assembler that he would need to build his ship design, and a quartermaster who could load the ship quickly.

The assembler he contracted to build his ship gave warnings about the design he had provided, and also warned that the shipyard scheduler would rather allocate labor for domestic merchant traffic than wealthy foreigners, but he built it nevertheless. As the build was underway, a government representative told him that the codes had changed and it would have to be rebuilt. Some of the ship's chains were brittle and so there could be a problem linking to the anchor. There was a brief row when it was discovered the German's plans were in metric units; the American builders only had standard tools, and they would not acquire new sockets and ratcheting handles just for his sake.

The first post-build event was finding a crew and suitable leadership. He found a mentally unstable Army kernel who had been terminated from his position after issuing an illegal instruction to his troops, but would be useful nevertheless. The journey would be arduous, but his spirits were high.

He noted with gruesome interest the habit of cannibalism among a small tribe he called the Init, especially weak children who would likely not survive. Even parents were known to fork a child. The native peoples said that this kind of ritual killing was necessary to avoid the child coming back to haunt the Earth as a zombie. The German logged his protests, but to the native people they didn't register. The team feared that if they stayed longer they might be executed, so they left the settlement.

The expedition ventured into an almost deserted region, where they could hardly find a nibble to eat. Their maps were out-of-date and the food containers were empty. The kernel panicked and took his men back to civilization. The German pressed on alone; he avoided resource starvation by catching birds. One chubby, round robin caught in his snare made for a hearty meal. Throughout the journey, he found himself covered in insects despite his best efforts to de-bug his body and clothes.

After an additional week of no significant findings, the German happened upon a mountain which did not exist on his map.  Unfortunately it turned out to be a volcano, and it erupted in a shower of molten #pragma. Due to a heap of falling volanic rock, he suffered a severe head crash and knew that he would not survive much longer. Trapped in a cave-in while trying to ESC, he wanted an ALT method of dying rather than resource starvation. Using his own bootstraps and some scrounged threads, he made enough rope to end his life. He scrawled an abbreviation of his own name in the side of the cave: "SIGABRT". Because the volcanic embers entombed him in the cave, explorers agreed his body could never be recovered, and will remain hanging indefinitely.

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